The same way that our early years of life shape who we become, the early days, weeks, months, years of parenting shape the parent we become. The early stages develop a narrative that we (unless challenged) will carry with us unconsciously. It will drive our thoughts, behaviours and emotions throughout our parenting lives.
I’m going to share some of my story of early parenting and how it shaped a narrative about who I was as a parent. I hope it will help you to identify your parenting narrative and what you can do about it.
My first baby was born at over 42 weeks after I “failed to progress” in induction and ended up with a distressed baby in an emergency c-section. I felt a failure and that ‘my body didn’t do what it's supposed to do’. He was tongue-tied and couldn’t latch and so I had to (alone in hospital – covid!) give him formula. I didn’t feel I had the energy to navigate expressing milk and when we got home I developed mastitis. I remember vividly the midwife asking me “do you want to carry on trying to breastfeed?” and me just breaking down and saying “no”. And so, I felt again that I wasn’t able/strong enough to do what I was supposed to do.
Can you see a narrative already building?...
He suffered badly with his tummy, his sleep, his skin and with reflux. At 6 weeks he choked on some reflux at night and stopped breathing. My husband sprang into action and got him up, banging his back to get the reflux out. And while he did that, I stood totally frozen watching him turn blue. When we got to hospital the nurse asked me “why didn’t you call 999?” And another piece of evidence was collected, ‘I didn’t do what I was supposed to do’.
At 8 weeks he was diagnosed with a cow’s milk protein allergy (something I blamed myself for because he was a c-section and formula-fed baby). And by that point, my narrative had been well and truly formed. And when I went back to work at 3 months (both necessity and choice) I felt again that I wasn’t doing what I was supposed to do.
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What I felt from this series of events was that I ‘just wasn’t very maternal’ that ‘nothing about mothering came naturally to me’ and that ‘I didn’t have the same emotional instincts as other mum’s’. So, I started to withdraw from parenting. In the mornings I would get all the stuff ready and would leave my husband to get baby ready. I would wash up while he bathed. I would clean while he played. The tasks became my safe space.
This behaviour drove the narrative further. ‘Why did I prefer to wash up than bath my child?’ And then he naturally became a Daddy’s boy and so again, the narrative was strengthened by my own behaviour – ‘6-month-old children shouldn’t be more attached to their Dads than their Mums’ I told myself.
This narrative has lasted almost 4 years; only by sitting and picking apart those early months have I been able to uncover this hidden narrative.
And so now I am able to identify when that narrative is driving my behaviour and I am able to choose to behave differently. I can notice when those thoughts and feelings come up and I can dialogue with them. And I can finally look back on my early parenting experience with compassion and love for myself. It was a tough start and I did the best I could at the time.
I want you to see how these narratives can be formed. It doesn’t matter if your child is 2 months old or 20 years old. Please think back to those early days and understand how your parental narrative might have been formed. You don’t have to continue it; there are ways to unpick, understand and resolve those beliefs about yourself.
Let’s leave behind these skewed narratives we’ve been carrying and move forward in a more conscious and empowered way.
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