Avoiding Resentment & Reconnecting

by Suzie Booth, Psychotherapist/Couples Therapist, MSc. MBACP (accred.)

With February often being labelled the 'month of love,' I want to talk honestly about something that so many couples experience; especially after having children:

It’s completely normal for your relationship to feel harder than it used to.

In fact, relationship satisfaction declines at about twice the rate for couples with children, than couples without. The majority of parents report a drop in satisfaction, and it’s not just during the newborn phase, it’s for years afterwards. The mental load, identity shifts, exhaustion and constant responsibility can quietly reshape how you relate to each other.

So, if you’ve noticed more irritability…

more distance…

more resentment than before…

You are far from alone.

Why does this happen?

When we become parents, everything changes; emotionally, physically, mentally, socially. Matrescence and patrescence are huge identity transitions. And when we change, our relationships have to change too. Think of it like a venn digram – before kids you were yellow and your partner was blue; your relationship overlay then was a green. After your matresence you’ve become white and after his patresence he’s become red – your relationship overlay is now pink. That’s a totally different colour, a totally different relationship.

And it’s not the change which is dangerous; it’s good for relationships to grow and change. It’s the fact you’re going through the change while sleep deprived, stressed and in a stage of your life where it’s very difficult to give any time to attending to the change.

Simultaneously, our nervous systems become wired for protection of our new little bundles of vulnerability and we are completely overwhelmed. The brain areas responsible for empathy and patience are simply less available when our nervous systems are elevated, and the ‘alarm system’ of the brain becomes more reactive (so we become more snappy and irritable).

It’s not that you’ve become bad partners; it’s that when our nervous systems are elevated, it is near impossible for us to be able to access intimacy and emotional connection.

And when the foundation is shaky, the everyday stressors feel bigger.

Where resentment creeps in

One of the biggest trip-ups I see in my work with couples is the imbalance of the mental load; the invisible planning, noticing and holding-everything-in-mind work.

Who notices the nappies are running low?

Who books the GP appointment?

Who organises the birthday cards?

Even in homes where practical tasks are shared, the mental load often isn’t, and that can quietly breed resentment, comparison, and score-keeping.

At the same time:

Many mums feel unseen and lonely.

Many dads feel pushed out or that what they’re doing is ‘never quite enough’.

Different experiences.

Similar pain.

And both partners often feel misunderstood.

Things to avoid

If you want to swerve or repair these resentments or conflicts here are some things to avoid doing…

1. Fixing - Often when one partner opens up, the other feels instantly pulled toward problem-solving:

“Have you tried…?”

“At least…”

It comes from love, but it can unintentionally shut down connection. Instead, we want you to listen to each other; acknowledge, validate. Feeling understood is incredibly powerful and is the antidote to loneliness.

2. Assuming – it’s so easy to assume what the other’s person’s day has been like, but it’s not usually accurate and it’s usually been a lot harder than you’d imagine. It’s easy to idealise the other’s experience. It isn’t always realistic, and it isn’t necessarily their fault.

3. Believing one person’s 'hard' cancels out the other’s – It doesn’t. Remember that your partner’s hard doesn’t cancel out your own. You can both be exhausted, in different ways. Early parenthood impacts each partner differently. Both deserve space.

4. Getting stuck in roles – life shifts and changes all the time. When these changes happen, we have to renegotiate how things are done. How they are split/owned during maternity leave is not how they should continue forever.

So how do we bring the love back?

Not through grand gestures. But through small, consistent considerations:

❤️ Renegotiate regularly

As seasons shift, so should responsibilities.

❤️ Listen to understand, not fix

“I can see how hard today has been for you.”

❤️ Express appreciation

Name the small things. They matter.

❤️ Create micro-moments of connection

A hug. A cup of tea. A smile across the kitchen.

❤️ Have a weekly check-in

A calm space to talk, not just firefight.

❤️ Repair after conflict

Go back afterwards and own your part.

❤️ Protect your ‘team feeling’

It’s you two with the problem, not against each other. Prioritise your relationship above everything else at times (yes, even above the kids!)

The most important reminder

Introducing children into a relationship is one of the biggest transitions a couple will ever experience. The change itself isn’t dangerous, it just needs attention, tenderness and communication.

And here’s the hopeful part:

Couples who learn to navigate this season together often become stronger than before. When a relationship has weathered rupture and repair, it can feel safer, deeper and more connected than ever.

Safety creates the foundation for intimacy and emotional connection again.