The Trap of Parental Perfectionism

by Suzie Booth, Counsellor/Psychotherapist. MSc. MBACP (accred.)

Perfectionism often doesn’t look like you’d imagine. It shows up in that endless mental to-do list, the sting of self-criticism, or the quiet voice claiming "you should be doing more" even when you're already running on empty. For many parents, perfectionism doesn’t feel like a problem. Instead, it feels like a standard, a powerful drive, a way of caring deeply.

But here’s the truth: perfectionism is rarely about high standards alone. It’s really about the fear of not being enough if those standards aren’t met. And for parents, this constant fear is completely exhausting.

You might hear yourself say:

“I should never shout.”

“I need to keep the house perfectly tidy.”

“I must look like I’ve got it all together.”

“The day out must be amazing.”

“I must enjoy every single moment, or I’m doing it wrong.”

When these thoughts take over, parenting becomes more a measurement of your performance, rather than a fulfilling part of your story. The pressure builds quietly, until it boils over as guilt, burnout, resentment, and shame.

What perfectionism doesn’t tell you is this: there is no such thing as a perfect parent, you can’t get this all right. But that you really are enough.

Where Does It Come From?

Many of us grew up being praised for being “good.” Good students, good girls, good sons. We learned early on that love, praise, and approval were often tied to achievement, neatness, compliance, or being "low-maintenance." These messages sink in deep and stay with us, so when we become parents, we often unconsciously carry those same beliefs into our own family life.

Add in a culture that glorifies busyness, flawless appearances, and constant comparison, and perfectionism becomes a default measuring stick we use on ourselves daily. It’s relentless.

What It Costs You (And Your Kids)

Living under the thumb of perfectionism can lead to:

• Chronic stress and burnout

• Difficulty asking for help

• Guilt for taking any time for yourself

• Trouble connecting with your child (you’re too focused on ‘doing it right’)

• An inner critic that drowns out any self-compassion.

It’s also sending subtle, unintended messages to our children; mistakes aren’t safe, performance matters more than presence, love might be conditional.

But here’s the hopeful part: when you begin to loosen perfectionism's grip, you create vital space for something far more powerful: genuine connection, liberating flexibility, and true authenticity.

Shifting the Pattern

You don’t need to abandon your standards or stop caring deeply. But here’s what might genuinely help you shift this pattern:

Notice the voice of “should” - when you hear it, pause. Ask yourself: whose voice is this, really? Is it kind? Is it true? Often, it’s an old message and not from you.

Try being softer - what would it look like to approach yourself with compassion, rather than constant critique?

Let “good enough” actually be enough - your children don’t need a perfect parent. They need a present one. Experience over perfection.

Celebrate small wins - perfectionism is always looking for what’s missing or wrong. Turn your attention to what’s already going well, even if it’s small.

Model being human - when your child sees you apologise for a mistake, take a much-needed break, or say what you’re feeling, they learn it’s safe for them to do the same. You're teaching them self-compassion and resilience.

Perfectionism isn’t a flaw; it’s a coping strategy, born from a deep desire to get things ‘right’. But parenting isn’t about always getting it right. It’s about being real, connecting and experiencing. And when you offer yourself compassion, you model for your children to do the same.

So get out there and get some stuff wrong, mess up, drop some balls and breathe a little easier!

Check out my website for more ways I can help you with your experience of parenting.