Why being a parent could be making you depressed

Have you ever heard about the link between depression (or sadness) and lack of authenticity? This is something that can resonate a lot with parents. When we become parents, we have to find a new way of being ourselves, we are no longer living exactly as we would be without the time constraints and responsibilities of having children. We have to make sacrifices. This, on top of living in a way we not might completely agree with (due to the fear of judgement from others about who we are as a parent), often leads us to living in a way which isn’t natural, genuine or authentic to us.

So, the link here between depression/low feelings and this lack of authenticity goes like this…

Each time we are not authentic we cross our own boundary, whether we are saying yes to a tea when really, we wanted a coffee, playing pretend when really we want to sit down, doing baby-led weaning when really we want to use a spoon, going to work when really we want to stay home with the kids, getting up at 6am when really we want to lie in until 9am – whatever it is, no matter how big or small, we cross our own boundary.

Now, each time we do that we take something on, a weight, a burden, a resentment. It’s ok if it’s not too often because the joy we generally feel is still enough to tip the scales in the right direction. But think about if you’re doing that a lot, each time taking on more weight. Soon it is going to start tipping in the other direction. We become angry, fatigued, suppressed and then depressed. It’s also important to mention here that with this crossing of our own boundary often comes fear of the response we would receive from others if we did the thing we really wanted (our authenticity), this fear can be experienced as anxiety.

So, our lack of living in an authentic and genuine way can lead up to feeling low, depressed and sad. This isn’t how we want to feel in parenting.

But how do we address it?

The first thing to do is identify what is in our control and what isn’t...

For the things which are in control, we can choose how we respond. So actually, if we don’t want to do things a certain way, we can choose to do them differently, “actually no I can’t do overtime, I am going home to my family” etc. If we are really struggling to give our authentic response, we need to think more deeply about why – what judgement are we frightened of? This will usually be something that has been instilled into us by the age of 7, so we might have to go back a long time to figure out what our blocker is.

If something is not in our control (e.g. I don’t want to do the school run) then we need to ensure we are doing lots of other things that we enjoy/need/choose for ourselves. Basically, our self-care needs to be top-notch.

It’s easy to see within parenting how we could easily feel low/depressed. There are so many demands on us which cause us to act inauthentically. We need to really notice these times, understand our blockers to doing it our way or compensate ourselves with choice and power outside of those moments.

by Suzie Booth

Psychotherapist/Counsellor MSc. MBACP accred.