Why Perfectionism Is Making You More Anxious (Not Less)

by Suzie Booth, Counsellor/Psychotherapist (MSc. MBACP Accred.)

Perfectionism is one of those traits that can be difficult to question. Because on the surface, it looks like a strength; it looks like being organised, responsible, driven, high standards, someone who gets things done.

It can look like caring deeply about your work, your relationships, your home, your children, your life.

And often, it’s been reinforced for years.

You might have been praised for it. Relied on because of it. Defined by it.

So it makes sense that many people feel hesitant to challenge it. Because perfectionism doesn’t feel like the problem. It feels like the thing holding everything together.

Why Perfectionism Feels Protective

At its core, perfectionism is usually not about wanting things to be flawless. It’s about wanting to feel safe.

Safe from criticism, failure, letting people down, from feeling not good enough.

So the mind develops a strategy:

“If I do things properly… if I stay on top of everything… if I don’t get it wrong… then things will be ok.”

And for a while, this can work.

You meet expectations. You achieve things. You appear capable.

But underneath, something else is happening...

The Pressure That Doesn’t Switch Off

Perfectionism creates a standard that is incredibly difficult to meet consistently. Because it isn’t just about doing something well.

It’s about doing everything well, all the time and across multiple areas of life.

So even when things are going 'well', your mind is often scanning for what’s missing, what could be improved, what you didn’t do quite right, what might go wrong next.

There’s very little sense of completion.

Very little space to relax.

Because there is always something else to fix.

Over time, this creates a kind of internal pressure that doesn’t switch off.

The Cycle Perfectionism Creates

Perfectionism often pulls people into a repeating cycle:

You set high expectations, push yourself to meet them, feel stressed or stretched. You fall short (because you’re human), criticise yourself and then try harder next time.

On the outside, this can look like motivation.

On the inside, it often feels like anxiety.

Because the system is driven less by inspiration… and more by fear of getting it wrong.

Why It Can Affect Your Self-Esteem

One of the more painful aspects of perfectionism is how it shapes the way you see yourself. Because when your standard is perfection, anything less can feel like failure.

Even when you’ve done well, even when others would say you’ve done more than enough.

The internal narrative often sounds like:

“I should have done better.” “That wasn’t good enough.” “I need to try harder next time.”

So instead of building confidence, your efforts can reinforce a sense that you’re always slightly falling short. Over time, this can quietly erode self-esteem.

Not because you’re not capable.

But because nothing ever quite meets the standard you’re holding yourself to.

The Impact on Your Nervous System

Perfectionism doesn’t just live in your thoughts, it lives in your body.

When you are constantly monitoring, evaluating, and pushing yourself, your nervous system can stay in a state of alert.

You might notice:

• difficulty relaxing, even when you have time

• feeling restless when you try to rest

• a constant sense of being 'on'

• tension in your body

• trouble switching off mentally

Because if your mind believes that things must be done perfectly to be ok…

then letting go can feel unsafe.

The Hidden Cost in Relationships

Perfectionism can also affect how you show up with others. Not because you don’t care, but because pressure reduces capacity.

When you’re holding yourself to high standards, it can become harder to:

• be fully present

• tolerate messiness (your own or others’)

• respond with patience

• feel emotionally open

You might also find yourself:

• overthinking interactions

• replaying conversations

• worrying about how you came across

• feeling responsible for keeping everything right

This can create distance, even in relationships that matter deeply to you.

What Perfectionism Gets Wrong

Perfectionism often promises a kind of calm:

“If I get this right, I’ll feel better.”

But in reality, calm doesn’t come from getting everything right. It comes from feeling safe enough to be human. Safe enough to make mistakes. Safe enough to not have everything under control. Safe enough to rest without earning it.

And that’s something perfectionism doesn’t allow for.

Moving Toward Something Different

Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean lowering your standards completely or becoming careless. It means shifting your relationship with yourself.

From pressure → to support

From criticism → to understanding

From control → to flexibility

You might begin by noticing:

What standard am I holding myself to right now? Is this realistic for a human? What would 'good enough' look like here? What do I need, not just what needs to get done?

These aren’t questions that fix everything overnight. But they do begin to loosen the grip.

A Different Kind of Strength

Perfectionism often looks like strength.

But real strength might look more like:

• being kind to yourself when things go wrong

• allowing space for imperfection

• resting without guilt

• trusting that you are enough, even when things aren’t perfect

Because the goal isn’t to get everything right. It’s to feel more at ease in your own life.

And that doesn’t come from pushing harder.

It comes from relating to yourself differently.

If you recognise yourself in this, you’re not alone.

Perfectionism is incredibly common, especially in people who care deeply and carry a lot. And it’s something that can be softened, gently and realistically, over time.