Understanding Grief

by Suzie Booth, Psychotherapist/Counsellor (MSc/ MBACP).

Many of us have encountered loss in one form or another. We often think of bereavement as something we go through only when someone dies. But grief is much broader than that. It’s the emotional process we experience whenever we lose something, or someone, deeply significant to us.

Loss can come in many forms: the death of a loved one, a miscarriage, the loss of a pet, or the breakdown of a relationship. But it might also mean losing a friendship, a job, your family home, financial security, or even your sense of safety after trauma. Each of these can trigger grief, because grief is our natural human response to losing something that mattered.

Emotional and Physical Responses to Grief

Although everyone grieves differently, there are some common emotional responses that often accompany loss:

• Difficulty accepting the loss: feeling numb, or living in a state of disbelief, expecting life to return to how it was.

  
  

• Sadness: the deep yearning and despair that often leads to tears, hopelessness, and loneliness.

  
  

• Anger: frustration and outrage directed at yourself, others, or even the person who has died — often fuelled by the sense that what happened is unfair.

  
  

• Guilt: self-blame, “what if” questions, or even guilt for feeling relief if suffering has ended.

  
  

• Fear: anxiety about the future, life without that person or thing, or even reflections on your own mortality.

  
  

Grief doesn’t just affect our emotions. It can also take a toll on our bodies. Many people experience fatigue, nausea, disrupted sleep, lowered immunity, changes in appetite, or general aches and pains. These symptoms are reminders that grief isn’t “just in your head”, it’s a whole-body experience.

The Five Stages of Grief

In the 1960s, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the five stages of grief. These stages are not a strict, linear process. You may move back and forth between them, repeat stages, or experience them in a different order. They are simply a framework that helps us understand the common experiences of grief.

1. Denial - Denial acts as a defence mechanism. It protects us from being overwhelmed by the full force of our feelings. In this stage, the loss may feel unreal, as if the doctors got the wrong test results, as if the breakup isn’t final, as if somehow life will go back to normal. This “preferable reality” helps stagger the pain until we’re ready to face it more fully.

2. Anger - As reality begins to sink in, anger often surfaces. You might feel furious at yourself, at others, at doctors, at life itself, or even at the person who has died. Although anger can feel uncomfortable (and difficult for those around us), it is an important part of grief. It reconnects us to life, gives us energy, and provides a focus when everything feels out of control.

3. Bargaining - This stage often involves pleading, negotiating, or trying to make deals with life, God, or the universe: “If I change, will you give them back?” It’s rooted in the desperate hope that things could somehow be reversed. Bargaining also shows up as “what if” statements: What if I’d noticed sooner? What if I’d done something differently? This stage reflects our attempt to regain a sense of power in a situation where we often feel powerless.

4. Depression - When we truly realise that the loss is permanent, sadness deepens into what Kübler-Ross described as depression. This is the emptiness of grief; withdrawing from others, losing motivation, struggling to get out of bed, or feeling that life has no meaning. Thoughts such as “I can’t go on without them” may surface. While painful, this stage is a natural part of processing grief, an acknowledgement of the depth of our loss.

5. Acceptance - Acceptance does not mean being “ok” with the loss. It means recognising that life is forever changed, and finding ways to live with that reality. In this stage, people begin reconnecting with friends, family, and daily life. They start to build a new way of being, one that honours what has been lost while allowing space for new meaning. There will still be hard days, but over time, the good days begin to outweigh the bad.

Moving Through Grief

Grief is not a straight path and it certainly doesn’t have a timetable. You may revisit stages, feel emotions out of order, or experience other reactions that don’t fit neatly into the model. That doesn’t mean you’re doing it “wrong”, it means you’re human.

If you’re grieving, remember: your feelings are valid.

Whether you’re experiencing anger, guilt, fear, sadness, or all of these in waves, these are natural responses to loss. And if grief feels overwhelming or unending, it may be a sign of complicated grief, in which case seeking professional support can be an important step.

Grief changes us. But over time, with compassion and support, it is possible to move forward, not as if nothing happened, but into a new life shaped by both what you’ve lost and the love that remains.