Why Do I Resent My Partner After Having Children?
You love your partner. You chose to have children together.
So why do you sometimes find yourself looking at them and thinking:
'I cannot stand you'.
Maybe you're furious that they haven't emptied the dishwasher. Maybe you're lying awake mentally running through tomorrow's childcare arrangements while they're peacefully asleep next to you. Maybe they ask if you fancy sex and you want to scream because how can you possibly want something ELSE from me?
Maybe they sit down for five minutes and something about the sight of them relaxing while you're still doing things makes you disproportionately angry.
Or perhaps there isn't even one particular thing.
You're just irritated by them.
All. The. Time.
Resentment towards your partner after having children is something I hear about a lot in the therapy room. And sometimes there are very real problems within a relationship that need addressing. But sometimes, I think we need to get much more curious about where all that resentment is actually coming from.
Because it might not be quite as simple as:
My partner isn't doing enough.
Why do I resent my partner after having children?
Resentment doesn't appear from nowhere. Usually, there's something underneath it.
Perhaps you feel like you're carrying more than your partner. Perhaps you feel they don't notice what needs doing unless you tell them. Perhaps you feel like your life has changed far more than theirs has. Perhaps you don't feel appreciated.
Perhaps you feel touched out, exhausted or taken for granted.
Perhaps you've watched parts of your old life disappear while theirs seems to have continued relatively unchanged.
And eventually all of that can become:
I resent you.
That doesn't make the resentment irrational. It also doesn't necessarily mean your relationship is failing. But rather than simply asking “How do I stop resenting my partner?”, I think there's a more useful question:
What is my resentment trying to tell me?
Sometimes your partner really isn't doing enough
We need to start here.
Because I don't want to take a very real inequality within a relationship and reframe it as an emotional problem that somebody just needs to think differently about.
Sometimes one partner is carrying significantly more...
More childcare
More housework
More of the mental load
More of the emotional labour involved in keeping family life running
And it can be particularly difficult when the other person completes tasks when asked, but one partner remains responsible for noticing, remembering, planning and delegating those tasks in the first place.
If that's happening in your relationship, resentment might be telling you that something genuinely needs to change.
One thing I often encourage couples to do is make the invisible visible. Actually write down what each of you is carrying. Not so you can produce evidence for the prosecution. 😂
But because we are often far more aware of our own workload than our partner's.
Once you can both see what family life currently requires, you can have a much more useful conversation about what needs redistributing, delegating, dropping or doing differently.
That's also an exercise I explore in my relationship guide.
But there is another possibility I think we talk about much less.
What if neither of you is doing too little?
Imagine you're at absolute capacity.
You're giving everything you have to give.
And yet the washing basket is still overflowing.
There's still an email from school you haven't answered.
Someone needs new shoes.
You haven't booked the dentist.
The house is a mess.
There's nothing for dinner.
You're behind at work.
And apparently somebody needs to make a costume of a Victorian chimney sweep by Thursday.
So you look at your partner and think:
'Why aren't you doing more?'
Because the logic makes sense.
I'm doing everything I possibly can.
Everything still isn't getting done.
Therefore, you must not be doing enough.
Except...
what if they are?
What if you're both giving almost everything you've got and there is still too much?
Family life can involve an enormous number of practical, emotional and financial demands, and sometimes the problem isn't that one person is doing too little.
The problem is that there is too much to do.
Your partner cannot necessarily give you more capacity if they don't have any either.
And that distinction matters.
Because if I decide you are the problem, I turn towards you and fight you.
But if we recognise that we are both overwhelmed by the problem, perhaps we can stand beside each other and look at it together.
Some of the resentment might actually belong to parenting
This is the bit that can feel uncomfortable...
You can love your children enormously...
and resent parts of parenting them.
You can resent the relentless need
The loss of freedom
The noise
The sleep deprivation
The fact that your time doesn't really feel like your own anymore
The way your career has changed
The impact on your body
The loss of spontaneity
Being touched constantly
Having to think about another human being from the second you wake up until the second you go to sleep, and sometimes quite a lot between those two points as well.
But admitting resentment towards our children can feel almost forbidden.
I chose this.
I wanted them.
I love them.
I'm supposed to be grateful.
So where does that frustration go?
Sometimes, it lands on the safest available adult:
our partner.
And then something really interesting can happen...
Being overwhelmed by the mental load becomes:
“You don't help enough.”
Being exhausted by everybody needing something from you becomes:
“Everything is always on me.”
Being completely touched out becomes:
“Why do you always want sex?”
Having children constantly demanding your attention becomes:
“You never give me any attention.”
Those examples aren't about pretending our partners have nothing to do with the problem.
They might.
They're about becoming curious about whether all of the feeling belongs where we've put it.
Your partner may have become the face of everything you've lost
I think this is particularly important when becoming parents has affected two people differently.
Because you had the same child. But you didn't necessarily have the same experience of becoming a parent.
One of you may have experienced pregnancy, birth, physical recovery or breastfeeding. One career may have changed more than the other. One of you might feel consumed by parenthood while the other feels pushed out of it. One may be carrying pressure around being a 'good' mother; the other may feel enormous pressure to provide financially or support everybody else.
One may desperately want time away from the children. The other may desperately want to feel more included.
Neither person's experience cancels out the other's.
But when we don't understand those different experiences, it's very easy to look across at our partner and see someone who appears to have retained the things we have lost. My guide explicitly explores how differently two partners can experience the transition into parenthood and why understanding each other's frame of reference matters.
And that's fertile ground for resentment.
So what do you do when you resent your partner?
I wouldn't start by trying to make the resentment disappear... I'd get curious about it.
The next time you notice that familiar Oh my GOD, why are you like this? feeling, see if you can separate out a few things.
What am I actually angry about?
Not just the dishwasher. Not just the towel on the floor. Not just the fact they're sitting down.
What has that moment come to mean?
You don't notice me?
I'm doing this alone?
My needs don't matter?
Your life hasn't changed like mine has?
Then ask:
Is there something I genuinely need from my partner here?
Perhaps responsibilities do need redistributing.
Perhaps you need more protected time.
Perhaps there's a conversation you've both been avoiding.
Perhaps something about the way you're treating one another really isn't okay.
And then:
Is there anything here that my partner can't actually fix?
They can't make small children stop needing you.
They can't give you back your pre-parenthood life.
They can't undo every sacrifice you've made.
They can't make family life cease to be demanding.
And finally:
What are we both struggling against?
Because sometimes that question changes the position entirely.
Instead of:
Me vs you
it becomes:
Us vs the thing that's making life hard.
Resentment doesn't necessarily mean you've chosen the wrong person
If you've been feeling increasingly resentful towards your partner since having children, it can be frightening. Especially if you remember a time when being together felt easy.
You can start wondering whether you've fallen out of love. Whether you've grown apart. Whether this is just who your partner really is. Whether your relationship is going to survive.
Sometimes resentment points towards relationship problems that need proper attention.
But sometimes it tells us that two people are trying to do something incredibly demanding without enough time, energy, support or understanding of what the other is experiencing.
And those are not the same thing.
Perhaps the question isn't only:
“Why am I so resentful of my partner?”
Perhaps it's also:
“What has happened to us since becoming parents, and what are we both carrying?”
Because your partner may not be the enemy.
They might be another exhausted person standing right beside you.
And maybe the task isn't to work out who's struggling more.
Maybe it's to find a way to get back onto the same side.
Want to understand what's happening between you?
If you've read this thinking “God, this sounds like us”, I've created a free guide specifically for couples navigating the impact of parenting on their relationship.
Your Relationship in the Face of Parenting explores resentment, the mental load and distribution of responsibilities, prioritising your relationship and the different experiences you can have of becoming parents.
It's designed to help you understand what's actually happening between the two of you, and start thinking about it differently.
You can get it completely free when you join my mailing list.
FAQs
Is it normal to resent your partner after having a baby?
Resentment towards your partner can develop after having a baby, particularly when you're exhausted, overwhelmed or feel that responsibilities aren't being shared fairly. Becoming parents can also affect each partner differently, which can leave one person feeling unseen or as though their life has changed more than the other's.
Why am I so angry with my partner after having children?
Anger can build when you feel unsupported, unappreciated, touched out or responsible for too much of the mental and practical load. Sometimes there is a genuine imbalance that needs addressing. At other times, some of the anger may also be connected to the relentless demands and losses that come with parenting itself. That's very consistent with the distinction you make in the guide between resentment about parenting and resentment directed towards a partner.
Can the mental load cause resentment in a relationship?
Yes. If one person feels responsible not only for completing tasks but also noticing, remembering and organising what needs to happen, they may feel they're carrying family life alone. Making both partners' responsibilities visible can help couples understand what each is carrying and consider what needs to change.
How do I stop resenting my partner after having children?
Rather than trying to simply stop feeling resentful, start by understanding what's underneath it. Consider what you genuinely need your partner to change, whether responsibilities are fairly distributed, what pressures neither of you can completely remove, and whether some of your frustration belongs to the demands of parenting rather than solely to your partner.
If you feel your relationship needs more attention please check out my couples counselling page or contact me here.
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