Why Trying Harder Isn't Helping Your Parenting
If you've ever found yourself lying in bed thinking...
"Tomorrow I'll stay calmer."
"Tomorrow I won't shout."
"Tomorrow I'll be more patient."
You're not alone. In fact, I think most parents have made that promise to themselves at some point.
And they mean it. Deeply.
They don't wake up wanting to shout. They don't want to feel guilty. They don't want to end another day wondering what happened.
So they try harder, tomorrow.
Then tomorrow comes,
The children argue, someone refuses to put their shoes on, the baby hasn't slept, dinner burns, bedtime takes an hour.
And despite everything they promised themselves...
They find themselves reacting in exactly the same way.
Again.
That's often the moment parents conclude:
"I just need to try harder."
But I wonder...
What if trying harder isn't actually the problem?
One thing I've noticed in the therapy room...
Parents are already trying incredibly hard...
They're reading the books, listening to podcasts, saving Instagram posts.
They're trying gentle parenting, firmer boundaries.
They're trying to stay calm, to regulate themselves, to be more patient.
The effort isn't missing.
Imagine trying to stop a warning light appearing on your car dashboard by putting tape over it.
You might stop seeing the light... But the engine hasn't changed.
Sometimes I wonder if we do something similar with ourselves.
We become completely focused on changing the behaviour...
Without ever becoming curious about what's causing it.
We ask:
"How do I stop shouting?"
Before we've asked:
"Why does this situation affect me so deeply?"
This isn't about trying less.
It's about understanding more.
Because if you're constantly trying to change your reactions without understanding where they're coming from...
It's a bit like treating the symptom while ignoring the cause. No wonder it feels exhausting.
If you've recognised yourself in this
I'd love to invite you to watch my FREE online class,
It's available to watch whenever it suits you, and together we'll explore why parenting can feel so overwhelming, why trying harder often isn't enough, and why understanding yourself differently can change the way parenting feels.
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