“We Don’t Fight… We Just Don’t Talk Anymore”

by Suzie Booth, Counsellor/Psychotherapist (MSc. MBACP Accred.)

I hear this from so many parents I work with:

“We don’t really argue. We just don’t talk anymore.”

“There’s no big drama… we’re just so distant.”

“We get along fine, but we’re more like roommates than partners.”

If that sounds familiar, you’re not alone.

In fact, it’s one of the most common relationship dynamics that shows up in early parenthood.

When children arrive, life becomes intensely practical.

You’re in survival mode. There are bottles to wash, tantrums to manage, sleep to catch up on, forms to fill out, lunches to make. Everything becomes about just functioning. And your relationship becomes all about managing logistics.

The intimacy (emotional and physical) fades slowly, not because of a lack of love, but because there’s no room left for it.

No one really prepares you for this quiet, gradual kind of disconnection.

You anticipated tension, conflict, arguments, maybe even betrayal.

But not this:

The subtle loss of your romantic connection.

The disappearing deep chats.

The silence at the end of a long day.

The way you pass each other like ships in the night, both equally overwhelmed.

It doesn’t mean your relationship is broken.

It means you’re both stretched too thin.

It means the space for connection has shrunk under the weight of exhaustion, stress, and the mental load.

You’re doing your best to get through the day, to just survive.

So is your partner.

And somewhere along the way, the “us” part gets lost.

Here’s the good news:

It’s possible to find each other again.

Don’t just wait for it to get better, don’t wait for the kids to get older. It will be so much harder by then.

You won’t be able to overhaul your relationship overnight.

You might not want to have long, heavy conversations when you’re both already wiped out.

But you can rebuild by making small, intentional moments where you reconnect.

Try asking:

“What’s going on for you at the moment?”

“What’s one thing you need from me this week?”

Try doing:

Sitting close to each other in the evenings

Banning ‘kid’ talk for half an hour

Turning off the TV for a while

It might feel awkward or unnatural at first.

That’s not a sign something’s wrong. It’s a sign that you’re out of practice. It’s the practice which builds the connection.

Connection doesn’t have to be big gestures.

It can be putting your phone down and making eye contact.

It can be a 5-minute check-in before bed.

Sometimes it’s a small moment of affection that says, “I still see you.”

It’s micro-moments of prioritising your relationship.

You deserve a relationship and partnership that doesn’t just survive parenting, but grows within it. Your partner is your team mate – and not just in parenting but in life. They are by your side to support you and to enjoy life (as much as possible) alongside each other.

Even if things feel distant now, it’s not too late to come back to each other.

If this is something you’re really feeling the weight of, I talk more about rebuilding connection in my parenting course. I'll let you know when it's launching, sign up to be notified here!