Outward vs Inward Anger

So far we've looked at what anger is, why we get angry and now it's time to think about how we express it. The way we express anger can look very different from person to person, and that expression can have a big impact on our relationships, self-esteem, and overall wellbeing.

We can broadly break down anger into two categories: anger expressed outwardly, and anger turned inward. Each has different roots, different impacts, and different ways it shows up in our lives.

Outward Anger: Aggressive vs Assertive

When we express anger outwardly, we’re letting the world know we’re angry. We’re saying: something or someone has crossed a line, and I want it to be acknowledged. There are two common ways this can happen:

• Aggressive anger is uncontrolled and volatile. It might look like shouting, throwing things, or behaving violently. This type of anger often overwhelms us and others.

  
  

• Assertive anger, on the other hand, is expressed clearly and directly, but with control. It sounds more like: “What you just said made me feel angry,” rather than an explosion of rage. It’s a healthy way of letting someone know how you feel while staying in charge of your behaviour.

  
  

How we express anger often comes from what we’ve seen growing up. If we had parents or caregivers who yelled, lashed out, or withdrew in silence, we likely absorbed those responses as our own. Genetics can also play a role; some of us are more physiologically wired to become emotionally “hyped up” or reactive more easily than others.

Inward Anger: When We Turn It on Ourselves

When expressing anger feels unsafe, either because we’ve been taught that anger is “bad” or “unacceptable,” or because we feel shame or vulnerability about what’s triggered us, we might suppress it instead.

That anger doesn’t go away. It turns inward.

This inward anger can show up in a few ways:

• We might become passive-aggressive, cynical, or overly critical of others.

• We may direct it toward ourselves, leading to low self-esteem, self-blame, or even emotional self-harm, like harsh self-talk or self-sabotaging behaviours.

  
  

How we turn anger inward often relates to what we believe about ourselves. If we carry the belief that everything is our fault, that we’re to blame when something goes wrong, we’re more likely to become the target of our own anger.

Why Healthy Expression Matters

Unexpressed anger doesn’t vanish. It sits under the surface, festering and affecting our mood, our relationships, and even our physical health. Over time, suppressed anger can infect how we see ourselves and the world around us.

Anger itself is neither good nor bad, it’s just a feeling. But like all emotions, it needs to be felt, understood, and expressed. When we try to push it down, we don’t make it go away. We just let it fester, waiting for a way to leak out, often in ways that feel confusing or damaging.

Learning how to express anger in a healthy, constructive way takes practice, especially if it’s not something we were taught. But it’s one of the most powerful steps we can take in healing our relationship with ourselves and others.

Next week, I’ll be sharing some practical strategies for managing anger in ways that are both healthy and helpful.

by Suzie Booth

Counsellor/Psychotherpist (MSc. MBACP Accred.)