Why Do I Want to Change, But Keep Doing the Same Things?
There are times in life when someone knows exactly what they want to change...
I don't want to keep ending up in relationships like this.
I need to set better boundaries.
I want to stop putting everybody else first.
I hate my job. I need to leave.
I want to stop caring so much about what other people think.
I don't want to keep reacting like this.
And they genuinely mean it.
They do want things to change.
But then another week passes.
They say yes when they wanted to say no.
They stay in the relationship.
They don't apply for the job.
They avoid the conversation.
They fall back into exactly the same pattern.
And this can be incredibly frustrating.
"If I know this isn't making me happy, why do I keep doing it?"
I don't think the answer is usually that you don't want change badly enough.
Sometimes it's that we underestimate what change actually asks of us.
Wanting the outcome isn't the same as wanting the process
You can want:
better boundaries
without wanting to disappoint anyone.
You can want:
a different career
without wanting the uncertainty that comes with leaving the familiar one.
You can want:
a healthier relationship
without wanting to have the incredibly uncomfortable conversations that might require.
You can want:
to stop people-pleasing
while still desperately wanting everybody to like you.
You can want:
more time for yourself
without wanting to say no to people who expect that time from you.
That's not hypocrisy.
It's being human.
Because often we're very clear about what we want to gain from change.
We're much less prepared for what we might have to tolerate, risk or lose to get there.
There is usually a reason you keep doing the thing you want to stop doing
This is the bit I'd really lean into therapeutically...
If you've been behaving in a particular way for years, there's probably a reason.
Maybe keeping everybody happy has helped you feel safe.
Maybe avoiding conflict protected relationships that mattered to you.
Maybe staying quiet stopped things escalating.
Maybe being incredibly hard on yourself helped you achieve.
Maybe always being useful became part of how you felt valuable.
Maybe not trying protected you from finding out whether you could fail.
The pattern might be causing problems now.
But that doesn't mean it never did anything for you.
And simply deciding “I don't want to do that anymore” doesn't make everything underneath it disappear.
Sometimes before asking:
a more useful question is:
“What has staying the same been doing for me?”
Change usually comes with discomfort
This, to me, is the heart of it.
Sometimes we imagine change will feel good because the outcome will be good.
But the actual process can feel bloody uncomfortable.
Setting a boundary can make you feel guilty.
Saying what you need can make you feel selfish.
Applying for something can make you feel exposed.
Ending something can make you grieve.
Doing something differently can disappoint people.
Stopping people-pleasing can mean somebody is actually displeased with you.
And that last one is particularly important. Because you can't really learn to stop organising your life around everybody else's approval while also guaranteeing that everybody will approve of the new version of you.
At some point, the work isn't making the uncomfortable feeling disappear.
It's learning that you can tolerate it.
Insight isn't the same as change
Understanding yourself matters enormously.
Realising:
Oh. That's why I do that.
can be powerful.
But insight isn't always enough.
You can understand exactly why you avoid conflict and still avoid the conversation.
You can know where your people-pleasing came from and still say yes.
You can understand why you're frightened of rejection and still stay in situations that aren't good for you.
At some point, change usually requires doing something differently.
Often before it feels comfortable, sometimes before you feel completely ready.
Working with a therapist can help you to understand the pattern, work out what makes changing it so difficult, and support you while you begin experimenting with something different.
But the therapist can't do that bit for you.
You eventually have to take the insight out of the therapy room and into your life.
Maybe the question isn't “Why won't I change?”
Because that can become another stick to beat yourself with.
I'm weak.
I'm lazy.
I obviously don't want it enough.
What's wrong with me?
Instead, perhaps ask:
What am I frightened might happen if I actually change this?
What would I have to tolerate that I'm currently avoiding?
What does this old pattern give me, even though I don't like it?
What might changing cost me?
What's one thing I would have to do differently, not just understand differently?
Those questions are much more interesting.
And usually much more revealing.
You don't have to change everything at once
Doing the work doesn't have to mean blowing your life up.
Sometimes it's saying no once.
Having one conversation you've been avoiding.
Not immediately apologising when you've done nothing wrong.
Letting somebody be mildly disappointed in you.
Applying for the thing before you've convinced yourself you're definitely good enough.
Asking for what you actually want.
Noticing the familiar pattern starting, and making a slightly different choice.
Then doing it again.
And again.
Until the thing that once felt completely unnatural starts to feel a little less frightening.
Wanting change is a beginning
Wanting things to be different matters.
Noticing the pattern matters.
Understanding yourself matters.
But eventually there comes a point where change asks something else of us.
Not just “What do I want to be different?”
But:
“What am I prepared to do differently?”
And perhaps even more importantly:
“What discomfort am I prepared to tolerate while I do?”
Because sometimes the thing standing between us and the life we say we want isn't that we don't know what to do.
It's that doing it feels scary, unfamiliar, uncomfortable or risky.
And that's often exactly where the real work begins.
Want some support making changes?
Understanding why you keep falling into the same patterns can be an important first step. But sometimes we need support to work out what keeps us stuck, and how to begin doing something differently.
I offer individual counselling and couples therapy, as well as a growing library of online courses and Mini Masterminds designed to help you understand yourself, your relationships and the patterns you find yourself in.
Whether you’re looking for the deeper support of therapy or something you can work through in your own time, you can explore the different ways I can support you below.
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