Why Am I So Hard on Myself?
You make a mistake at work,
Or say something slightly awkward in a conversation,
You forget something,
Or don't handle a situation quite as well as you wanted to,
And almost immediately, the voice starts.
"Why did I do that?"
"That was so stupid"
"Everyone else manages this"
"I should be better at this by now"
"What's wrong with me?"
Sometimes we speak to ourselves in ways we would never dream of speaking to another person.
And most of the time, we know we're doing it!
We might even have been told:
“You need to be kinder to yourself.”
But if you've spent years being incredibly hard on yourself, just deciding to stop isn't always that easy. Because sometimes self-criticism isn't just something we do because we don't like ourselves.
Sometimes we believe we need it.
Why am I so self-critical?
There can be lots of reasons:
Perhaps you grew up with very high expectations
Perhaps mistakes were noticed more than successes
Perhaps achievement got you praise, attention or approval
Perhaps you learned that getting things right meant avoiding criticism
Perhaps you became very good at anticipating what other people needed from you
Or perhaps, nobody was particularly critical of you at all, but somewhere along the way you decided that being hard on yourself was how you made sure you kept doing well.
Over time, that voice can start to feel completely normal. You don't necessarily think:
"I'm being horrible to myself."
You think:
"I'm just being realistic. Sometimes being hard on yourself feels useful"
This is the bit I think we often miss.
If self-criticism felt completely pointless, we'd probably find it much easier to let go of. But sometimes we believe it keeps us:
motivated
productive
successful
liked
responsible
in control
We worry that without it we'll become lazy or complacent.
If I stop giving myself a hard time when I get something wrong, won't I just keep getting things wrong?
If I accept myself as I am, what will make me improve?
And so the criticism continues because, on some level, it feels like protection.
But does criticising yourself actually help you change?
Imagine you've made a mistake...
One response is:
"For God's sake. Why do I always do this? I'm useless."
Another is:
"Ok, that didn't go how I wanted it to. What happened? What do I need to do differently next time?"
Both responses acknowledge that something went wrong. Neither pretends it doesn't matter.
Neither says:
"You're perfect exactly as you are and never need to change anything."
But only one gives you particularly useful information about what to do next.
And that's an important distinction.
Because being compassionate towards yourself doesn't mean letting yourself off the hook. You can take responsibility without attacking yourself, and you can want to change without hating the version of you that hasn't managed it yet.
Shame and accountability aren't the same thing
I think we sometimes confuse the two. If I feel terrible enough about what I've done, perhaps that proves I care. If I punish myself enough, perhaps I won't do it again.
But shame often pulls us towards:
"What's wrong with me?"
Whereas curiosity allows us to ask:
What happened here?
Why did I respond like that?
What was I feeling?
What could I do differently?
That doesn't remove responsibility. Arguably, it makes responsibility much more useful. Because instead of spending all your energy deciding what kind of person you are, you can actually think about what needs to change.
“But if I'm kinder to myself, won't I just make excuses?”
This is often the resistance. And I don't think the alternative to self-criticism is:
"Oh well! Never mind!"
You can say:
"I shouldn't have spoken to that person like that."
without:
"I'm a horrible person."
You can say:
"I didn't prepare enough for that."
without:
"I'm completely useless."
You can say:
"I've been avoiding this and I need to do something about it."
without:
"Why am I such a failure?"
One focuses on something you did.
The other turns it into something you are.
And it's much easier to change something you did than to change an entire identity you've decided is fundamentally flawed.
So how do I stop being so hard on myself?
I don't think the answer is forcing yourself to replace every negative thought with something positive. If you've spent 30 years telling yourself:
"I'm useless."
suddenly announcing:
"I'm AMAZING!"
probably isn't going to feel particularly convincing.
So, start by noticing the voice.
And get curious about it.
What is it trying to achieve?
Is it trying to stop you failing?
Stop you being rejected?
Make sure you perform well?
Keep other people happy?
Prevent you making the same mistake again?
And then ask:
Is there another way I could achieve that without attacking myself?
Maybe you still need to apologise,
Maybe you need to practise something,
Maybe you need to have an uncomfortable conversation,
Maybe you need to change a behaviour,
Maybe you genuinely need to try harder.
Self-compassion doesn't remove any of those things.
But it does remove the belief that you have to make yourself feel terrible before you're allowed to grow.
You don't have to hate yourself into becoming better
You can understand where your self-criticism came from and acknowledge that perhaps, at one point, it helped you. You can even recognise that letting go of it might feel frightening, and then you can start experimenting with something different.
Not:
“Everything I do is fine.”
But:
“I can look honestly at myself without destroying myself in the process.”
Want some support understanding your patterns?
Sometimes we know we're hard on ourselves, anxious, stuck or repeating the same patterns, but understanding why and beginning to respond differently can be much harder.
I offer individual counselling and psychotherapy, alongside a growing library of online courses and Mini Masterminds designed to help you better understand yourself, your relationships and the patterns you find yourself in.
If you find yourself knowing what you want to change but repeatedly falling back into the same patterns, I've written more about why change can feel so difficult.
Whether you're looking for the deeper support of therapy or something you can explore in your own time, you can find the different ways I can support you below...
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